Baby I’ve been here before,
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor (you know)
used to live alone before I knew you.
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch,
and love is not a victory march.
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
A dungeon. It was the only description that could do their apartment justice. Ever since their fateful trip to Lima, Kurt had felt his passion for everything slowly drain as he watched Blaine stagger further and further into a silent, and volatile depression. Everything seemed to be crumbling down around him in sullen decay; his relationship, the state his home, even the man he loved was slowly becoming a shell of himself. Kurt flung a throw pillow across the room before falling into the embrace of the couch, hands wringing nervous knots in his hair. The only solace in the whole apartment could be found in the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg wafting in from the kitchen. Though all of his other attempts in cheering up Blaine had only been returned with a half-smile or muttered ‘thanks,’ Kurt had finally settled on the perfect plan.
Homecoming, senior year. The door slammed as Kurt ran through the door, Blaine’s hand grasped firmly within his own. “Okay, do you know what it is yet?” Kurt inquired, a giggle riding the tenor of his voice as he tugged down on the scarf wrapped carefully around Blaine’s eyes. “No?” Kurt turned to face Carole, laughter escaping the finger pressed firmly to his lips at the shock on her face. Glancing back once more at Blaine to ensure he wasn’t peeking, Kurt dropped his hand and reached for the still warm pumpkin pie on the counter. “How about now?” He asked playfully, holding the pie steadfast below Blaine’s nose. A perked eyebrow indicated Blaine’s sudden understanding of the surprise. “I did some digging, and a little birdie filled me in on your favorite fall treat.” His heart tugged at the sight of Blaine’s uncovered eyes, warm and brimming with love. A fall surprise, accented with a kiss…
Visions of that day still rebounded through his mind; Blaine planting his hands firmly on his stomach after eating half the pie, the feeling of whipped cream playfully wiped on his cheek. Maybe it was silly, maybe he had finally gone crazy after weeks of silence, but he had gotten his hopes up that perhaps what had cheered him up then might still work now. A shred of hope, after all the nights filled with sleeping apart, and inaudible tears. Lately it didn’t even feel as if they were getting married in a matter of a few weeks. Conversations with Blaine were one sided and often cold, and Kurt couldn’t help but feel as if their love was freezing with it. Kurt sighed heavily as he heaved himself up from the couch. A blast of hot air met the ashen skin on his face as he opened the heavy oven door and removed the pie. Beneath the loud tarrying of his thoughts, Kurt vaguely registered the phone ringing soundly and leaned precariously to grab it off the cradle.
“Blaine?! Is he there?” The voice rang frantic, tears laced with words. Kurt would have known the voice anywhere, her silence still haunted his dreams and Blaine’s waking days. “Mrs. Anderson? I’m sorry, he returned to teaching over the past week and has been staying late. What can I do?” He asked, his voice shaking with anticipatory nerves. There was only one reason why she would call the son she had so harshly discarded only weeks ago. “It’s about my husband. He’s-he’s… dead. Tell Bla-him.” Stuttered condolences were met with the harsh sting of the line disconnecting, a bitter reminder of the long rejected relationship between him and Blaine’s parents. The room was closed in around him, all thought and feeling lost in a void resounding with a duet of her broken wails and his own choked sobs.
Maybe there’s a God above
all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
The floor groaned beneath his weight as he slowly slid down the wall, tears burning new paths down the contours of his cheeks. The compress of his chest threatened to collapse under the strain of the sudden heartbreak. If there had been a void between him and Blaine before, this would only succeed in pulling them further away from each other. Who are you even, Hummel? How selfish can you be? His father died and here you are worrying about what it will do to your relationship. Pick yourself up. Be strong, for him. Regardless of what might happen, he’s going to need you. Isn’t that what love is all about? Sacrificing your own happiness for the one you love?
Kurt moved from the kitchen to the bathroom in a state of unawareness, his feet shuffling sluggishly. A broken reflection met his eyes in the mirror, mouth set into a stern line, warm smiles long forgotten, eyes placid in the wake of months of hurt and absence of affection. His hand fell to the engagement ring on the vanity, its once light core now weighted. Granite shone through the circle where the ring once sat in contrast to the light layer of dust filmed on the remaining counter, a stark reminder of how many days had passed since he had abandoned the ring and the promises it carried. Pain bit through the nothingness as he roughly slid the ring back into place. Weight on his heart, and now on his hand, Kurt quickly grabbed his coat before running out the door in the direction of the school. Though fear riddled his mind, he needed to get to Blaine before the news did. Otherwise, Kurt knew he would never find it in his heart to forgive himself.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…